The Loss of a Partner: a journey to rebuild your life

As a therapist it is common for me to work with loss. We humans experience so much different types of losses, it is hard to list them all. And mourning what we loved and lost is never an easy process. However, I wanted to spend some time thinking about a specific type of loss: the grief for a partner who passed away. Why this topic: because it is hard to talk about it, it affects many and yet it remains poorly understood by outsiders. I hope that my view of the process of mourning and rebuilding a life can shed some light.

Here is the article that was published on Counselling directory:

Journey through the loss of a partner

Grief and loss are inevitable parts of our lives as humans. Grief is natural: we grieve for what we have lost, and mourning is a process we have to get through. However, the nature of that loss can vary and, in my opinion, losing your partner comes with many specific challenges and it affects your life overall: from small everyday problems to big questions.

No matter how your relationship with your partner worked, there were distinct roles and responsibilities between the two of you. This is the first challenge: it might happen suddenly or gradually, but you have to take on all those roles and responsibilities on your own. It is only you now who pays the bills, looks after the house, visits relatives, calls on friends. You might be the only parent, the only provider, the only one who can make all the decisions. This can feel terrifying and very alien. The burden is still there, it has not changed a bit, but you need to carry it alone.

In addition to this, your identity has to evolve you used to be one half of a couple- now you are on your own. Others rarely understand or appreciate how hard this can be. You know how to interact with the outside world as a couple, but who are you without your partner? What do you like doing? What is your plan for the future? Can you meet up with another couple? Being a couple is an organism in itself- and you have to entangle yourself from it.

Thirdly, there is the silence. The absence of the other in the house you used to live together is the most felt. No noise apart from what you make. No creaks, no voice, no presence-just you. Grief is painful in any case but in the silence, it seems most engulfing.

To face with all these challenges in the midst of grief is incredibly hard and much resilience is required. By resilience I mean the ability to push through your fear: acknowledging how afraid you feel but still taking a step forward.

First, give permission to yourself to lean on others during tough times. You lost your partner, but you have people around you who can help. May they be family or friends or professionals, you can lighten the burden of decision making and sorting out your immediate practical problems with their participation. The first, intense period of grief is not necessary a suitable time to make life-changing decisions as your judgement might be clouded by negative emotions but there are many everyday decisions that cannot wait so let others help you to get on with them. If you feel you need to make big changes, do stop and think: if you feel you are sliding downhill, it is not the right time to make big decisions. You had better consider those when you can see further than your grief.

Asking for help or advice can feel daunting so remind yourself that others care about you and value you as a person, you do not have to pretend to be strong. We all know how loss feels, you are not alone with your experience. If you can, seek out support groups- sharing lightens the burden and can help to normalise your experience.

Identity takes a while to recover after such a blow as losing your partner. Remember and rebuild can be your key words in this process. Remember: you have been you before your partner and while you lived in that relationship. It is still there and little by little it will return as you are slowly exploring your life on your own. This is a learning curve: your mind must recalibrate its usual ways. Think of it as returning to your hometown after many years: it is the same place and yet it feels so alien: it is different to go food shopping just for yourself or visiting someone alone or walk the same park without your partner. When you set out, it is an emotional and upsetting journey but in time it will get easier as your mind slowly accepts the change.  Remember your hobbies, try them again. Remember what you like doing, watching or eating. Remember your ambitions. You can also take on something that was important to your partner: maybe they liked gardening or they had a favourite charity, or they had a specific hobby. Keeping the connection to your partner can feel super important and continuing something they liked can help you grow around your grief: you are no longer diminishing because of loss; you are expanding with it.

Lastly, the silence. For your own good, it is essential to be able to relax in your own home. A good night sleep is a battle half won when it comes to mental health. Therefore to be able to tolerate silence is a milestone in our recovery from bereavement. It does not come easy, patience is required. Try to get used to silence in your house in small doses: let yourself sit in the quiet just for 5 minutes a day. This is about exposure and learning: let yourself experience what you are afraid of and learn from how it felt. Be persistent and go little by little: if you do too much, it can be overwhelming but if you keep avoiding it, you are just making it more difficult on the long run.

Losing your partner changes your life, which is unavoidable, but you can have some agency in how your life goes on. As a general guidance on your journey, just be kind to yourself and notice every little win along the way. Today it might be just a solo journey to the shops, in two years’ time you feel ready to visit your partner’s favourite holiday spot to say goodbye gently. Remind yourself how far you have come and hold onto those who are still there for you.